At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Randomize
