You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
