P.S. I can't hear my feet
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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