hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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