I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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