I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Randomize
