Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
