i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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