sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Randomize
