are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
