the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Randomize
