I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
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