he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
i came on her dog
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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