Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
