My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
