Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
