We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
