Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
