I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
