I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize