I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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