god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Randomize
