You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
