I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
My feet surprised me
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
