I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
