So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I don't deserve a penis
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
