Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Randomize
