I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I think my fart just growled at me.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
