Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
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