I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
