it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Randomize
