My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
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