theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
