He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
