i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Randomize
