why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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