I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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