It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.�
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Randomize
