hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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