I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
