When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
