Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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