Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
