If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
