Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
