I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Randomize
