from now on my penis is your penis
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
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