ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
