I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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