Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
