why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
