we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
My ATM looks so different sober.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
