why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
