just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
