The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Found the puke drawer
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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